I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize