I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
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should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
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I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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