If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize