Where did you get a picture of my penis
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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