the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
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Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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