Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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