Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
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He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
FUCK WHALES
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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