I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
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I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
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After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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