Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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