I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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