Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize