my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
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multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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