I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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