M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
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This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
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