I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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