Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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