I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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