she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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