Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
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You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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