Where is the hickey?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize