My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize