you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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