I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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