Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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