my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
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You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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