Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i think my cat just said my name.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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