I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sarcasm needs its own font
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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