Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
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She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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