i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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