everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
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You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
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When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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