When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
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That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
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Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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