My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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