I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize