Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
