The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
