my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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