Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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