Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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