To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
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Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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