So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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