That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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