I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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