My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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