I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize