Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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