my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize