First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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