If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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