Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
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Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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