Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
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I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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