I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
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My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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