I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
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if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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